Archive | December, 2014

comfort – A Poem

31 Dec

we settled for your

hand-me-down car and

we settled for the

diner because it was the

only place that kept

misfits busy at one in the

morning, but we did not

settle for each other; our

bodies aligning like an

eclipse, blocking out

everything that’s never mattered, the

electricity flowing through the

radio into our veins, closing my eyes and

compiling the lines in my head to

create your face.

we settled for the clock on your

dashboard but never

settled for the hours and

minutes to tell us to go


we didn’t settle for one kiss but

traded one for one hundred, each

existing in the flickering lights over

my town. our confessions fogged the

windows and you pulled me in to

push me away until I was the

best contradiction at two in the

morning; everything and

nothing, existing in both your

spaces and your whole, filling and

emptying all that I was to

become who I thought I’d never

be; the girl with moonlight in her

hair who got the boy with

sunrise in his

eyes and diamonds behind his


we settled for late night dates and

tips that we paid for by standing for

hours on our toes and we

settled into each other’s skin and we

settled into each other’s hearts, where

we’ll stay for a little longer.

Burnt – A Poem

30 Dec

When a fire burns,

the wood cracks,

the charcoal crumbles,

and fall’s leaves combust under the heat.

For a fire to sustain, it must burn,

destroying what made it flourish.


When you said we were a flame,

you didn’t realize that your love was our destruction,

burning holes into the people we were.

Destroying ourselves for a love

that turned us to ash.

The Boy Who Fell – A Poem

30 Dec

Was your flight too dissimilar from Icarus’,

As you watched your wings burn a hole through themselves?

Did you feel your wings break from beneath you,

And your body crumble as you became another tragedy?

Was your epic story at its end, or its beginning,

As your body crashed into the ground?

Did you hear your father shout

As his voice bellowed between the cliffs

asking you to come home, asking you to cease your assent

or you might fall like Icarus, he laughed.

Did your steady hands,

the ones grasped rocks and climbed further into the heavens,

betray you when they could no longer support  your reckless life?

Your toned muscles tearing from beneath you,

the golden voice that chanted war-cries in your car,

losing its velvety essence as the words escape your mouth.

Your ruggedness mixed with your sweet southern accent,

your innocence mixed with your faulted corruption;

you were a contradiction moving swiftly,

climb higher to only fall further;

falling away from your responsibilities and father’s warnings .

Did you live to climb, only to die in reverse,

Falling away from the peak,

Grasping for the tangible,

And coming up with nothing but emptiness?

When it ended did you smile,

Taking your place next to Icarus,

In the waves of the abyss?

How can we ever learn your plight,

Mere mortals with our tragic flaws,

Until we take the fall ourselves?

Until we watch everything that we were,

Burn up into another hole in the sky,

fall as Icarus did; slowly and then suddenly,

and become tragic tales for our children to repeat.


29 Dec

That was my squeal of joy when I saw that people have actually been posting on the blog. I love you all.

Seriously though, keep it up!

The Little Mermaid

25 Dec

[Here’s my own version of The Little Mermaid-mainly based of the HCA story and not the movie so if you haven’t read it, I suggest googling it or reading it because otherwise some things might be confusing]

The Little Mermaid

There is a blue you’ve never seen. A blue so marvelous and omniscient it haunts you from behind closed eyelids. It’s the color of the bottom of the ocean, where the Merpeople live and thrive. There is a green you can’t imagine because it is the green of the Sea Forest, an abundance of aqua-trees almost tall enough to be seen from the surface. There are flowers that change color depending on how the sun shines into the ocean and sway with muted waves. There are great marble castles in which the royalty live, furnished with jewels, statues, paintings and stolen items from the land above. There is an immortal realm hidden underneath the oceans we ignore.

The Queen of the Northern Sea’s first name was Evaellja with eleven other names trailing behind, signifying the greatest kings and queens that had come before her. She had her six daughters, each more beautiful than the last. This made the youngest daughter, Belisma, the most beautiful and her grandmother loved her all the more for it because in her youth, she had been the most beautiful of her twelve sisters.

“It’s as if the Gods heard of my aging and decided that there should be a beauty to take my place,” was a frequent saying of the Dowager Queen. It caused the Sea Queen to guffaw and the princesses to roll their eyes. Yet the princesses always stayed close to their grandmother for she told stories of the world above the sea. When she had been younger, their grandmother and her sisters had travelled to every land in their hope of gaining a human lover but had only succeeded in creating myths and legends. She spoke of animals they couldn’t contemplate, of landscapes they’d never seen, and of Humans. Humans with their two fins instead of one and with no scales as well.

The Humans interested Belisma the most because they could do something she couldn’t: die. Merpeople could choose whether to age their bodies or not; and though the aging may be irreversible, they would never die because of it. No magical object or entity could kill them.

While the other princesses sighed and cried from tales of drowning sailors, Belisma’s eyes grew wide with wonder. In all the millennia that she had lived, she had travelled her world; she had swam with dolphins and sharks and whales; she had fallen in and out of love many times; she had fought pirates and soldiers with their fire metals; she had lead her mother’s armies against rival Sea kingdoms; she had dismantled intrusive submarines and fixed ships on the verge of sinking; yet she had never experienced death.

When she went above the surface, sometimes she would sing in her language in order to lure sailors and people on beaches into the water. It was the most wonderful of any language to exist and her singing voice was only second to her beauty. She would watch their breath escape them in a slow and painful way as they reached out their hands, asking for her help. She would simply swim beside them and try to mimic their movements with no success.

Her frustration grew as centuries passed and she still found no way to cause her death. Her grandmother and mother had shunned the idea, telling her it was foolish to believe she could. Her sisters knew nothing themselves, having never wanted to know what death was like.

“Once you die, you can’t come back,” the oldest princess, the only one with deep brown eyes, said. “That’s such a horrible fate! Imagine how we would feel if you left us with the intention of never returning. It is so much better to live forever; you can experience anything and everything.”

“Except death,” Belisma replied, absently stroking the flowers in her garden. The oldest princess glared at her and smacked her body with her fin.

“Stop talking such nonsense before I tell grandmother. Death is nothing to aspire to. You should worry more about what you’ll sing for the Royal Court of the East. You know they only tolerate fish-tale songs, not the random warbles you’re so fond of.” Belisma stuck her tongue out at the oldest. She picked up a small rock and tossed it at her older sister. She quickly flipped around and swam away though she could hear her sister’s angered cries from behind.

Belisma’s “silly ideas” didn’t stop. Instead, she became more determined. She consulted Merpeople of different regions, all sworn to secrecy so that her grandmother and mother wouldn’t find out. They’d be furious if they knew she was acting foolishly in front of commoners. Royalty have a duty to be role models and saviours, not curious little crabs.

It was in her family’s centennial visit to the Southwestern Sea that she discovered any hope of dying. There was a huge celebration in honor of her family’s visit. They were hardly the greatest royals but they were renown across the oceans. Belisma had been wondering around the central markets in her favorite disguise (there was nothing better than to look like a gypsy dancer, she was forever enamored with them and had had a few gypsy lovers) when she found an answer worth caring for.

“You should go to the Sea Witch,” a mermaid with shiny red scales said.

“The Sea Witch? There aren’t multiple? Just one?” she asked. The mermaid nodded.

“No one else would dare to practice the Human magic. It corrupts your soul and makes each year you live harder and unbearable,” the mermaid began to whisper. “It’s been told that she even eats other Merpeople to reverse the effects. So be careful, Your Highness.” She bowed before Belisma before swimming away in a hurry. Just like the other people Belisma had confronted, the mermaid was nervous the Sea Queen would find out about her help. The Sea Queen’s reputation was such common knowledge that she’d even had a Human god fashioned after her though misgendered. The mermaid had neglected to tell her the location of the Sea Witch; however, someone with such a reputation as the Sea Witch would no doubt be easy to find and persuade.

And she was. By the red and gold cliffs of Rhaelkor lived the Sea Witch, amidst the purest algae she’d ever seen. Belisma swam into the red and white marble castle, marveling at its majesty. She had expected a dark cave or hut for such an abominable mermaid. Inside, she found fish servants. She was not surprised that no Merperson would want to associate with the Sea Witch.

A merman swam up to her. He had short black hair that was parted towards the right. He had ethereal, indigo eyes and high, prominent cheekbones. He smiled at her in a charming way that could’ve left her speechless if she’d paid it more attention.

“I’m looking for the Sea Witch,” she told him, wondering why such a lovely merman was dealing with the Sea Witch. Maybe he’s a consort, she thought. Her mother was known to have several, depending on the time of year.

“Yes, I’ve heard all about the little mermaid and her unusual deathwish. You think I can help you?” Belisma jumped backwards, startled. “Yes, I am the Sea Witch. I don’t know how rumours have made me female, but I can guarantee you that my power is mightier than even you’ve been told.” He smiled at her stunned silence. “I can only help you if you tell me what you want.”

“You already know. I want to die,” she said once she had gotten over her shock.

“Only humans can die,” he retorted.

“Then make me human,” she begged, tearless sobs falling out of her as her desperation grew.

“Hmm,” he murmured. He pretended to think it over to assess her desire. “That, my little mermaid, I believe I can do.”

Her response was a beaming smile that made him finally recognize the beauty that she was known all over the oceans for.

“It’ll require a few steps, however, a few sacrifices on both of our parts. I will be giving up a piece of my magic and you will be giving up your natural immortality. Those are heavy prices to pay,” he preceded to inform her.

“I’ll do anything. What must be done?” He grinned impishly. Nothing was better than those words put together and spoken to him.

“The only way for you to have the death you want is to become human and to do that you must acquire the love of a Human. Passionate, “I-would-die-for-you” love. Receiving that kind of love would prove any humanity you might have. Plus, with the help of this potion,” a bottle appeared in his palm. Belisma gasped, never before having seen such effortless magic. “that makes you physically Human, you will gain the ability to die.”

“I have to be more than physically human to die?”

“Well yes, you’ll need to be spiritually human as well, hence the required love. The potion will give you legs, Human fins, so you can be among them,” he explained to her perplexed expression. “You must first transfer your blood into the potion so that it’ll recognize you. I’ll enhance it with a personal spell that makes me responsible for you while you are still immortal. Then you will drink the potion, though I advise you to do it ashore since swimming is a lot harder with human fins. But magic, especially Human magic, gets woven tightly into your soul and performing magic requires a piece of it. Since I’m sacrificing some of myself, I am owed something from you in return.”

“What do you want?” Belisma asked eagerly. Her determination was proving to be fruitful and she was excited. “I can give you anything from my home. I am told by others that the Northern Sea has some of the best libraries of literature and music among the oceans.”

“I’ve heard that you have a breathtakingly flawless singing voice. Give me that. Sing for me and I will capture it and lock it away for myself. You’ll still be able to talk to me while you’re immortal, though,” he answered. Belisma gave him a curious stare and nodded. She had learned many millennia ago that talking was not necessary to engage someone’s attention. Surely she would find some way to communicate.

“This is going much smoother than most of my dealings. I thank you for that.”

“So I sing now?” she questioned.

“No, come back tomorrow, I must gather some materials. And I’ll give you some time to say your goodbyes.”

The next day, Belisma cut her wrist over the potion bottle, she sang for the Sea Witch, and she swam up to the nearest deserted shore to drink the potion. Her transformation began instantly. It felt like she’d fallen asleep under a whale with a million knives as an underbelly. She yelled until her throat was hoarse yet the agony continued for eight days and eight nights. She wished the pain would cause her to pass out but she remained conscious throughout the whole experience. Her so-called caretaker was nowhere to be seen.

He showed up just as the pain was receding and threw a pile of fabrics at her. He was dressed as a human boy, his hair still parted and slick.

“I thought you were supposed to be responsible for me,” Belisma croaked as she tried to make sense of how the different garments worked. He watched her put her arms into the pant legs, amused.

“I don’t like pain. I had to go through my own transformation similar to yours and it was more brutal so I wasn’t gonna stay around for that a second time, even if it wasn’t happening to me. I’m here now, don’t complain. You’ll be sore for a couple more days by the way, so take it easy.” He continued to watch her struggle for a few minutes and chortled when she huffed and threw all the clothes away from her.

“Why do humans bother with these fabrics? They didn’t always. And there’s some that still don’t. Can we go there?” she grumbled.

He picked the clothes up and gestured for her to come to him. “Come, I’ll dress you.” He ended up going to her as he remembered she wasn’t used to legs yet. He taught her how to put on underwear and laughed at the horrified grimace she made when she put on her bra. He pulled her shirt over her head and laughed at the delighted giggle she made when she didn’t need his help to button her pants.

She used him as support to stand up and slapped him across the face with all her aching strength.

“Knowing about the transformation or having a companion through it would’ve been nice. Don’t keep stuff from me again,” she threatened as best she could with her gravelly voice.

“I don’t have to apologize,” he asserted, barely keeping his temper. He was an incredibly powerful creature and it didn’t matter which princess she was, he would have her respect, preferably from fear.

“I didn’t ask for an apology. I said not to do it again. Now where are the Humans so I can get one to fall in love with me and accomplish what I’ve wanted for so long?”

“Somewhere around. I think you swam to Sweden? I’m not exactly sure at the moment. Remember that you can’t talk to them,” he reminded her. She nodded her head, initially leaning out of his embrace before she stopped. “What’s the matter?”

“How do you use these fins?” she questioned, chagrined.

“I’ll help you with everything, don’t worry. I’m responsible for you so you only need to worry about charming some pretty girl or boy,” he assured her, tapping her nose lightly. Belisma nodded, her determination not faltering a bit. She would be victorious, just as she’d always been.

Her first attempt failed. The woman was married and insulted. Her second attempt also failed. The man couldn’t get over the fact that she was mute. After the sixth attempt ended with a goodbye note on metal, Belisma wondered if she had a time limit.

“No,” he sighed regretfully. He sat on a chocolate brown couch, flipping through TV channels with no real interest. Belisma lay on the carpet in front of him, fascinated by the moving pictures. They had settled into an apartment near a university campus, the best way to find easy and impressionable people. They had furnished the apartment and their closets with magicked debit cards that never emptied.

“I wish I had thought of it. I didn’t think it would be this hard for you. Stupid modernity and its requirement for women to be intelligent as well.” His grumbling made Belisma laugh but she kept it in, not sure what he would do if she did. She’d learned that he preferred to be seen as an indescribable soulless evil in their time together.

“How are you here with me?” she asked curiously, turning around. She hadn’t expected him to stay for very long.

“Well, I was originally a Human and technically still am,” he started. He gave a hearty laugh at her astonished face. “I was a Human witch who wanted immortality. The only creatures with any real immortality are the Merpeople. So I found a way to turn myself into one but I can easily become Human whenever I want.”

“How did you become a witch? Where’d you learn your magic?” she inquired through her shock.

“I was born with it,” he answered simply. She stared at him in awe.

“So why did you want to become immortal?”

“It’s a very human thing, to fear death and try to prolong life as long as possible. I’d watched many of my friends and family die over the years and I decided I didn’t want that. I didn’t want a rotting corpse or a pile of ashes. I wanted life. So I researched and experimented until I found a way to make myself immortal.”

“That sounds like me,” she smiled as she sat up.

He shrugged. “I guess but I can’t understand your deathwish.”

“Then why are you helping me?”

“Because the more I use my magic, the stronger it gets. Because I’ve never done this type of spell before and I’m curious as to how this will end. And most importantly, I expect your voice to be worth a very hefty fortune to your woeful family,” he replied.

She grimaced. “I didn’t say goodbye. I probably should’ve but I’ve never said goodbye before. I don’t really know how,” she murmured softly. He shook his head in disbelief.

“If you want, I can give your goodbyes for you.”

“I’d be really grateful. Thank you.” He waved away her gratitude and tossed the remote control to her to change the subject. She could only be so pathetic before he started to get annoyed.

More attempts were tried and did not succeed. She’d made plenty of friends along the way but no one had fallen in love with her. Not in the way she needed. Belisma felt her frustration grow.

“This should not be so hard. It’s ridiculous!” she growled. She gripped her hair by the roots, ready to pull all of it out if it would cause someone to fall in love with her. The Sea Witch studied her.

“You seem like you need ice cream,” he said. He gaped at her confused countenance. “Oh, my little mermaid, before you die, you must have some ice cream. It may even make you rethink your choice.” He grabbed her hand and hurried them away to the nearest Haagen Dazs. He suggested many different flavors to her but in true Belisma fashion, she requested a sample of a few she found interesting and made the decision for herself.

They sat outside the store, sweltering heat causing the ice cream to melt faster than desirable.

“I just realized I don’t know your name,” Belisma commented randomly, delightfully lapping up the ice cream that had fallen onto her hand. Almost made her rethink.

“It’s not important. Focus on seducing the hearts of these obviously blind people,” he replied.

“How are they blind? And who cares if it’s not important? It’s been about 10 years; I think I should know your name.”

“They are hopelessly blind because mermaids are already more beautiful than the actresses of old and current Hollywood combined. How could they see you, the infamous beauty of the Northern Sea, and not instantly fall in love?” He ranted, angrily crunching down on his cone. She grinned shyly and bowed her head to hide it.

“I’m not giving up on your name,” she remarked firmly.

“It’s a silly name, even for the standards of Merpeople. You’ll laugh for years, stop, then remember it, and begin to laugh again. It’ll cycle for a few centuries before you realize what we came here to do,” he snapped. It didn’t hinder her grin.

“Well, that man over there has been staring at me for the past few minutes so I bet I can snag a date out of him,” she said. “Given how intense his stare is as well, I bet you I can get him into bed with me by the second date.”

The Sea Witch laughed heartily, clutching his stomach. “I see you’ve grown a liking to human sex,” he observed.

“It’s alright,” she replied, shrugging. “I’ve gotten better at it and have a lot fun but I miss mermaid sex. Now that was fulfilling in a way that human sex lacks.”

“That’s your opinion. Not sure if I agree. Human sex makes more sense,” he argued. Belisma scoffed, lifting a skeptical eyebrow and configuring her counterargument in less than 5 seconds.

“Are you honestly trying to enhance my appreciation of human sex through its practicality?” she questioned, her eyes dancing in amusement. It ignited a 30 minute conversation about the pros and cons of both methods, resulting in the stranger promptly giving up on Belisma; and sexual tension they could swim in.

10 more years passed and while Belisma wasn’t any closer to the death she craved, she wasn’t very disgruntled. The Nameless Sea Witch, as she fondly called him just as he fondly called her “My little Mermaid”, was more than adequate company. He provided her with distractions from her dilemma with laughter, fun, and ice cream.

“Belisma!” he yelled over the obnoxiously loud techno music. He groaned and pushed random sweaty bodies out of his way as he searched through the mob. He hated raves. He’d always hated raves but Belisma had been drawn to them since her first date with Aednat.

Their relationship had started off well. They met at a special screening of some sci-fi show in London and had connected from there. Belisma had even started to fall in love with her but never fully. Aednat had started talking marriage and children and expecting Belisma to feel the same way but she didn’t. Belisma didn’t want to commit to someone when all she wanted was to die. Where was the sense in that? They had remained friends and their relationship stayed as strong as it had been. Belisma had even been her maid of honor. However, despite Aednat’s marital status, she still managed to drag Belisma to a rave or two whenever she and the Sea Witch visited.

“Belisma!” he screamed again, hoping she was in this certain corner of the crowded warehouse. They were in a warehouse in the middle of the Scottish countryside and he wanted to murder her eighty times. He ended up finding Aednat dancing with her wife. “Nitter, have you seen Belisma?” he asked, annoyed.

Aednat flipped her head around, blonde hair swinging over her shoulder. She chuckled, seeing the agitation on his face. “She’s right behind you.”

The Sea Witch turned around to find Belisma passionately kissing a guy against a pillar. He frowned. He just wanted to go home but if she was making progress…

No, he decided. Progress or not, they had been there 2 hours. They were leaving and not because he didn’t like the way the guy was kissing her. He looked as if he was trying to eat her face off.

He pulled the guy off of her. She stumbled forward and glanced at him confused.

“Come on, let’s go home,” he said.

“Who is this guy?” Belisma’s make-out buddy asked. Belisma shook her head and glared at the Sea Witch.

“I want to stay,” she told the Sea Witch. To the other boy, it sounded like she had taken a deep breath.

“Nope. Not happening, let’s go.”

“No one forced you to come out with us, Emrick,” he heard Aednat’s voice behind him. He almost didn’t respond, forgetting that that had been his name a few years ago. Wherever they moved, he changed his name to something familiar to the culture of that country so that they would trust him more. “You could’ve stayed in or hung out with Henry and the boys at the pub. Don’t fecking ruin Belisma’s fun.”

He breathed deeply, wondering how much it would upset Belisma if he cast this girl into a different world. Belisma pulled the guy out of the Sea Witch’s hand and walked them away. The Sea Witch started to follow them before Aednat got into his path.

“Look, I get that you have a thing for her,” she began.

“No, I don’t. We’re friends.” Aednat hadn’t bought the brother/sister relationship they tried to sell people so they went by “friends” around her.

“First up best dressed, Emrick. You missed your chance. I’ll make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Just go.” She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for him to walk away. He growled in frustration and decided Belisma could do whatever she wanted at this point. It didn’t seem like she was gonna die anytime soon, what was another wasted night?

They sat on the living room floor of their apartment the next day. Belisma had come home at around 4 am and slept most of the day. It wasn’t until the sun was setting that she’d stumbled out of her bedroom, wrapped in a blanket and a book in her hand.

His hands twitched with indecision. He abruptly called Belisma’s attention away from the book she read from across him. The quizzical stare she gave him made him hesitate.

“Remember how you said not to keep stuff from you after the transformation? Well there was something else I didn’t tell you,” he paused, watching her reaction. There was none and it made him more nervous. “I’m not only responsible for you as an immortal. Because I’ve put my magic into this, I have to make sure to end it to get that part of my soul back. I have to kill you right after you become human.”

Belisma still gave no reaction as she processed this new information. She played with the long-sleeve of her pajama shirt as she thought.

“Ok,” she stated, opening her book back to the page she had left off on. He stuttered, moving closer to her.

“Do you understand what I just said?” he poked her head a few times. “Has this mixture of gases in the atmosphere started messing up your mind?” She chuckled, smacking his hand away.

“No but I trust you. You’ve helped me this entire time. I trust that when the moment comes, you’ll make it a quick and easy death,” she said, starting her book again. He disguised the beginning of a sob with a cough.

“I’m, uh, in hindsight, I’m glad I took your voice,” he revealed. She slammed her book dramatically on the floor, her annoyance at being repeatedly interrupted obvious.

“Why? It doesn’t really matter since I can still talk and sing to you.”

“Because,” he gulped. “I can still hear your voice after you’re gone.” He took a hold of her hand into his. He slowly brought it up to his lips, giving her the chance to reject him. Instead, she flaunted a winsome smile at him that made him feel he was back at his castle by the cliffs of Rhaelkor. “I don’t know what I’ll do when you die. I can hardly imagine it.”

“What are you saying?” she asked slowly, the words falling like the beginning of rain.

“I’ve never said it before. I don’t know if I can say it,” he replied honestly. She shrugged. Words had never been important to her. He gazed at her beatifically.

Belisma yelped, pulling her hand away from his and scurrying away. “My skin,” she cried. “It’s heating up. It’s really hot. What’s happening?” She turned to him frightened. His face became crestfallen and he stood up.

“No. No. No No NO NO NO NO NO NO! I’m not fully human! I have never been fully human, this shouldn’t count!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, to Hecate, to Avalon, to whoever had seen a loophole he hadn’t and cackled mercilessly. He flipped through his mind, wondering what he could do to reverse it, to stop it, to do anything other than what needed to be done. He glanced down at the dagger in his hand that he hadn’t had a minute ago.

Belisma was still trembling from the blazing heat flowing through her body when his feet began to move towards her of their own accord. She tried to hide the fear in her eyes but knew he could see it. She wanted to say that it was okay. It had been her to find him and her to enthusiastically agree to anything in her quest to die. Now as her death fixed its apathetic silhouette on her, she felt anything but enthusiasm. She couldn’t even revel in the fact that he loved her because there would be no loving times to be had.

The dagger was strikingly cold in comparison to the fire within her. It dug into her and twisted around. She felt pressure force itself into her and realized the dagger had been cursed. It would be quick. She could feel her very human body and her very human soul crumbling away. She gasped, feeling blood gurgle up her throat. The mission was complete and his part was finished. He threw the dagger away and cradled her to him.

“I had to. It’s what you wanted. You spilled your blood and drank the potion and gave up your voice. I told you there was no turning back afterwards. And now I have to live without you. My little mermaid.” He shed bitter tears, as he stared at his hands dripping with her very human blood. “It’s what you wanted!” he wailed, wringing his bloody hands in defeat.

She peered up at him from behind hooded eyes and shook her head. No. This wasn’t what she wanted. Not anymore. The pained expression on his face broke her very human heart.

She thought of ice cream and the tale she’d never know the end of; she thought of the Sea Witch with the name so funny, he wouldn’t tell her out of fear that she would laugh him into oblivion and the maybe? she’d never know the answer to; she thought of the friends she’d made both on land and at her home; she thought of the Dowager Queen, wearily laying in her bed as she lamented the fact that there was no beauty to match hers anymore; she thought of Evaellja, the Queen of the Northern Sea, and how closely intertwined her rage and despair were and feared for the other Sea Kingdoms; she thought of her five sisters and all the adventures and lifetimes she had shared with them; she thought of all the tomorrows she wouldn’t wake up for; she thought of the blue of the bottom of the ocean that she couldn’t remember and would never see again.

And for the first and last time, tears danced around her face as she wept.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

25 Dec

I wanted it. So I took it, like I can with all my rights and power. I kissed him. He was adorable and kind and smart enough to get all my corny Tech jokes. He was only a few months younger but really who’s counting? Julia’s obsessively in love with Alexander Skarsgård and Benedict Cumberbatch, both a year younger than her mother; I think I’m allowed this age difference.

He had been talking to me about my presentation during our Art Class yesterday. It was a collage of sorts of giraffes—but not any kind, gay giraffes. The whole class had laughed initially, including him but he had also analyzed my work. He was continuing his analysis when I kissed him.

“I think your confidence in your sexuality is extremely attractive,” he said. He pushed his glasses up his nose and straightened the part in his hair. All I could do was grin. It was 3 months into the semester and I had met him. College was awesome.

“Really?” I asked, not bothering to hide my grin. My heart was happy, sue me. He smiled at me and nodded.

“Yeah. Confidence, in general, is attractive. And…I mean…you’re already cool and stuff,” his flustered face made me beam brighter and the confidence he obviously loved about me grew to skyscraper proportions.

“Thanks. It took me a while but yeah…I’m happier as myself than I ever was as that person I pretended to be,” I explained. I felt my phone vibrate and checked my phone. It was a text from Julia that read:

“R u w/ ur bf still? :* Yo quiero food ahora lol XP”

I chuckled and texted her back quickly, saying that I was almost at the train station where she was meeting me.

“It must be liberating,” he commented. As I stuffed my phone back into my pocket, I looked at him. He smiled shyly, his young mustache curving with his lips. I licked mine, hungry as Julia but not for food. I noticed him look down at my lips and I grinned again.

He looked away abruptly, clearing his throat. “But yeah, I loved the odd colors of your collage like the way the random blues and reds and—”

I pulled him by the strap of his messenger bag to me and pressed my lips against his. He lightly gripped my arms and I leaned further into him. He was a few inches taller so it was awkward at first. Until he began to kiss me back. And I completely forgot Julia and FAO Schwarz.

I leaned away, to see his reaction. He opened his eyes, his mouth still puckered and stared at me. Optimism kept my heart beating as he continued to hold a blank expression.

Like Biting Your Nails

25 Dec

Perfection was something little girls craved. Women want happiness because they realize along the way, in this fragile world, perfection breaks reality.

She was cooking dinner for herself while watching CNN (because politics were the new home-video comedy show, at least in her mind,) when the doorbell rang. She lowered the flames on the stove and untied her apron. Three more rings.

“I’m coming,” she called out, annoyed by the impatience. She had already showered for the night and was in her pajamas, the least this intruder could do was wait. She walked at a leisurely pace to the door and looked through the peephole. She rolled her eyes at the disaster she saw.

“Of course, Maribel. Just show up at my condo on a random Thursday night,” she complained after she already opened the door. Maribel was wearing a very short, strapless silvery sequin dress with black high heels and black, purposely-ripped stockings. Over her dress, she was wearing a small denim jacket that was hiding the ends of her dark brown hair.

Maribel shrugged, her grimace making her mascara tear-stained face even uglier. “What are big sisters for?”

After a shower and a change of clothes, Maribel came into the living room, finding Jessica watching The Vampire Diaries as she ate. Maribel sat down next to her.

“This is different from CNN,” she commented. Jessica snickered, picking up a plate and handing it to Maribel without even looking at her.

“If we’re gonna continue judging each other, let me tell you in advance, I’m gonna win,” Jessica replied. Maribel looked at the untouched food on her plate before setting it down on the coffee table in front of them.

“Jessica, I need your help,” she started, tears brimming at her eyes.

“What else is new?” Jessica snapped. She glanced over at Maribel and finally recognized the hopeless expression on her face—the same expression she had when her boyfriend during her sophomore year of college went into the hospital. “Oh, this is actually serious. Ok. What’s wrong?”

Maribel peeked at Jessica as her lip trembled. “I’m in a lot of trouble. Like…I…” she sighed, her tears falling. “I’ve fucked up now more than I ever did before.”

“Okay, but Maribel, I need you to tell me what happened before I can help you in any way,” Jessica responded. “You’re scaring me Mari. What did you do?”

She stared her younger sister straight in the eye and said, “I killed someone.”

Jessica stared back, nonplussed. “Again?” Maribel nodded.

There’s A Devil In My Eyes…

25 Dec

“…waiting for the moment to kill me inside, but we love to die more often…” She sang softly as the frosty air seized her body. She was sitting on a bench, waiting for him to show up so they could hang out as planned. Unfortunately, their plan to walk across the bridge to lower Manhattan was no longer possible, seeing as flurries were swirling in the sky. A snowflake landed on her shaking hands and she watched it melt into her skin.

January was a cold month. Colder than she remembered. And a lot more lonely.

But that would change once he arrived. She’d smile and laugh and she wouldn’t think about how much she wanted to die. She listened to the rest of the song, breathing in the icy air that punctured her lungs. She rubbed her hands together, cursing herself for forgetting her gloves at home. She could see them, sitting on her bed with her Rugrats blanket, mocking her as they snuggled inside.

She skipped the next song and smiled as the opening acoustic chords played. She looked behind her, wondering where he could possibly be when she felt the bench shake. She turned her head to the side and smiled at him. She hugged him tightly, her lungs patching themselves up again. She could breathe again. She was alive again because her friend was here.

“…so we will become, a happy ending…” Her headphones blasted into her ears. She paused the song and rewound it so it would be the first song she heard when they reluctantly split up to go home.

“Alessia, you look cold,” he commented, pointing at her hands with his eyes. She smirked.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying not to think about it,” along with other things, She didn’t add. She closed her eyes, concentrating on the moment now. When she opened her eyes, she realized he didn’t notice and her smile afterwards wasn’t genuine. “So we definitely can’t stay outside. Where do you wanna go?”

He shrugged, looking up at the gray clouds. “I don’t know. I’m cool for anything.”

“Well, I could so go for some hot chocolate but like, diner-style with whipped cream. Ooh, and maybe a slice of cake. But not Connecticut Muffin or Starbucks with their overpriced shits,” He laughed and her smile grew wider.

Maybe he was her friend. Sometimes she wasn’t so sure. He could be so quiet and she waited and kept waiting and keeps waiting but there’s only silence. With that silence, January seemed colder and her mind began to wander.

She shouldn’t put so much onto one person, she’s learned that from when that person failed her and she collapsed and those razor blades and knives and headlights and pills looked so happy.

She just wants to be happy but all she feels are ropes strangling her to the ground and she’s choking, oh my god she’s choking! And when a rope breaks, she doesn’t know whether to be happy because it’s gone or sad because it left a circle of raw skin around her neck that itches perpetually.

Alessia lets out a breath and stands up. “I know the perfect place. Come with me,” she began to sing. “And you’ll be…” she pointed to him for the next line and he shakes his head.

“I don’t even know the next line,” he admitted. She ducked her head down and felt the awkward creeping in around them like fog. She added to it by only responding, “Oh. Boo.”

So Alessia changed the subject and they started talking or more of, she talked and he commented. It felt like his rope was weakening and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She wanted to hold the rope together but she could only do so much. Sometimes, she wanted to cut the rope herself and watch it slither away. She’d be a failure and a victor at the same time.

When they got to the diner, they sat across from each other. Alessia smiled at the waitress and ordered for herself. He simply asked for a water.

“Oh, please get something. If you can’t pay for it, I will. It ain’t no thang,” she did a fake gang sign, mostly to make herself laugh but when his accompanied hers, she didn’t feel the need to hold onto the rope. But he still declined and she wondered what else they could talk about. She looked out the window and watched a car drive past. She wondered what would happen if a car turned off the street, for some pedestrian reason, and flew straight into her path. She smiled at that thought, glass breaking and piercing her skin. All the ropes gone before she could even blink. She turned back to him, to see his eyes had wandered off too.

Through him she remembered the ropes would never be gone just because she wanted them to be, they had to leave themselves. She could never leave someone but they could leave her. They’ve been leaving her for ages. She was choking again and he didn’t even notice. Her fingers spun underneath the table as her breath quickened. She wasn’t sure what to do—tell him, but how would she bring it up? Would he think her weird? Would he break the rope knowingly? Would he look for those moments like a hawk? Or should she keep it to herself, like she did with so many of her other friends? Tears began to rise in her eyes and she cursed herself mentally because this couldn’t happen now.

Her hot chocolate came before she could decide and she smiled at the waitress again. The waitress frowned, obviously seeing past her eyes, like Alessia always worried the wrong person would see at the wrong time. “Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked.

Alessia tried to breathe but those fucking ropes…

The tears broke past her defenses as she hopelessly tried to nod away any doubts. She covered her hand over her mouth, hoping to contain the cries she couldn’t stop. She looked up at him and the look in his eyes was heartbreaking. He looked so confused and worried. The rope was simultaneously tightening and loosening and ripping the skin off her neck in the process. She closed her eyes and felt the waitress slide into the seat next to her. She patted her back.

“I…I, uh…gotta…” She pulled out $15 and slammed it down onto the table. “Keep it all.” Alessia rushed up, grabbing her coat and her bookbag. She hurriedly put them on as she ran out the diner. Her mind was reeling and swirling but all she heard was silence. She ran to the nearest train station and down she kept running, to hell where she knew she belonged. Nothing but silence but she couldn’t take it. She put on her headphones and blasted voices that were crying just like her, voices that would drown out the voice in her head.

“…time is slowing down, love, just to see you, open up your eyes, love, can you see me?”

[In the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to post a few stories I wrote my friends/family for Christmas a few years ago]


24 Dec

Elegy for a Dead World is a recently released PC video game where the focus is to write and record your observation or even create a story of the ruins you’ve found on these worlds. You can explore the worlds on foot to see more of it, and this was my first attempt, and was written in sort of a blind desire to just write.

Cycle 1 Cycle 2 Cycle 3 Cycle 4 Cycle 5 Cycle 6 Cycle 7


22 Dec

Here’s a sonnet I wrote for my Intro to Poetry class about how much of a nerd I am!

It’s funny that I can’t remember now

what sorts of books I read before we met.

I can’t imagine my world without yours.

I love your ink, it makes me feel I know

Exactly what you’d say if you were here.

I snuggle in your sweatshirt — it’s my shield,

On weekends while I watch you in HD

But most of all I love your love for her.

That girl is your fondue, dance something slow.

You bicker, banter always but I’m sure

That if there’s fear or pain you’ll make it through.

Your love cannot be cancelled and can’t flop.

Because out here it can, so yours must not.

My ever after —who knows? I have yours.