There’s A Devil In My Eyes…

25 Dec

“…waiting for the moment to kill me inside, but we love to die more often…” She sang softly as the frosty air seized her body. She was sitting on a bench, waiting for him to show up so they could hang out as planned. Unfortunately, their plan to walk across the bridge to lower Manhattan was no longer possible, seeing as flurries were swirling in the sky. A snowflake landed on her shaking hands and she watched it melt into her skin.

January was a cold month. Colder than she remembered. And a lot more lonely.

But that would change once he arrived. She’d smile and laugh and she wouldn’t think about how much she wanted to die. She listened to the rest of the song, breathing in the icy air that punctured her lungs. She rubbed her hands together, cursing herself for forgetting her gloves at home. She could see them, sitting on her bed with her Rugrats blanket, mocking her as they snuggled inside.

She skipped the next song and smiled as the opening acoustic chords played. She looked behind her, wondering where he could possibly be when she felt the bench shake. She turned her head to the side and smiled at him. She hugged him tightly, her lungs patching themselves up again. She could breathe again. She was alive again because her friend was here.

“…so we will become, a happy ending…” Her headphones blasted into her ears. She paused the song and rewound it so it would be the first song she heard when they reluctantly split up to go home.

“Alessia, you look cold,” he commented, pointing at her hands with his eyes. She smirked.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying not to think about it,” along with other things, She didn’t add. She closed her eyes, concentrating on the moment now. When she opened her eyes, she realized he didn’t notice and her smile afterwards wasn’t genuine. “So we definitely can’t stay outside. Where do you wanna go?”

He shrugged, looking up at the gray clouds. “I don’t know. I’m cool for anything.”

“Well, I could so go for some hot chocolate but like, diner-style with whipped cream. Ooh, and maybe a slice of cake. But not Connecticut Muffin or Starbucks with their overpriced shits,” He laughed and her smile grew wider.

Maybe he was her friend. Sometimes she wasn’t so sure. He could be so quiet and she waited and kept waiting and keeps waiting but there’s only silence. With that silence, January seemed colder and her mind began to wander.

She shouldn’t put so much onto one person, she’s learned that from when that person failed her and she collapsed and those razor blades and knives and headlights and pills looked so happy.

She just wants to be happy but all she feels are ropes strangling her to the ground and she’s choking, oh my god she’s choking! And when a rope breaks, she doesn’t know whether to be happy because it’s gone or sad because it left a circle of raw skin around her neck that itches perpetually.

Alessia lets out a breath and stands up. “I know the perfect place. Come with me,” she began to sing. “And you’ll be…” she pointed to him for the next line and he shakes his head.

“I don’t even know the next line,” he admitted. She ducked her head down and felt the awkward creeping in around them like fog. She added to it by only responding, “Oh. Boo.”

So Alessia changed the subject and they started talking or more of, she talked and he commented. It felt like his rope was weakening and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She wanted to hold the rope together but she could only do so much. Sometimes, she wanted to cut the rope herself and watch it slither away. She’d be a failure and a victor at the same time.

When they got to the diner, they sat across from each other. Alessia smiled at the waitress and ordered for herself. He simply asked for a water.

“Oh, please get something. If you can’t pay for it, I will. It ain’t no thang,” she did a fake gang sign, mostly to make herself laugh but when his accompanied hers, she didn’t feel the need to hold onto the rope. But he still declined and she wondered what else they could talk about. She looked out the window and watched a car drive past. She wondered what would happen if a car turned off the street, for some pedestrian reason, and flew straight into her path. She smiled at that thought, glass breaking and piercing her skin. All the ropes gone before she could even blink. She turned back to him, to see his eyes had wandered off too.

Through him she remembered the ropes would never be gone just because she wanted them to be, they had to leave themselves. She could never leave someone but they could leave her. They’ve been leaving her for ages. She was choking again and he didn’t even notice. Her fingers spun underneath the table as her breath quickened. She wasn’t sure what to do—tell him, but how would she bring it up? Would he think her weird? Would he break the rope knowingly? Would he look for those moments like a hawk? Or should she keep it to herself, like she did with so many of her other friends? Tears began to rise in her eyes and she cursed herself mentally because this couldn’t happen now.

Her hot chocolate came before she could decide and she smiled at the waitress again. The waitress frowned, obviously seeing past her eyes, like Alessia always worried the wrong person would see at the wrong time. “Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked.

Alessia tried to breathe but those fucking ropes…

The tears broke past her defenses as she hopelessly tried to nod away any doubts. She covered her hand over her mouth, hoping to contain the cries she couldn’t stop. She looked up at him and the look in his eyes was heartbreaking. He looked so confused and worried. The rope was simultaneously tightening and loosening and ripping the skin off her neck in the process. She closed her eyes and felt the waitress slide into the seat next to her. She patted her back.

“I…I, uh…gotta…” She pulled out $15 and slammed it down onto the table. “Keep it all.” Alessia rushed up, grabbing her coat and her bookbag. She hurriedly put them on as she ran out the diner. Her mind was reeling and swirling but all she heard was silence. She ran to the nearest train station and down she kept running, to hell where she knew she belonged. Nothing but silence but she couldn’t take it. She put on her headphones and blasted voices that were crying just like her, voices that would drown out the voice in her head.

“…time is slowing down, love, just to see you, open up your eyes, love, can you see me?”

[In the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to post a few stories I wrote my friends/family for Christmas a few years ago]


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