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H2R2

16 Sep

Melanie bought an expensive green dress and wore it one Tuesday.

And then, she fell in a puddle and ruined it.

She was incredibly sad and returned to her tiny cave. 

And then, she decided to go out to buy a new one to replace what the puddle had ruined. 

But she found out they were no longer for sale.

“How dare you try my patience this way.” She snarled, “Hand over the goods, now.”

“Not on your life.”

Staring down the barrel of a gun – it felt crazy.

But this was the life of an assassin, if only he followed his dream of being a novelist. 

He wanted to write, but he also wanted to kill. A lot; and writing wouldn’t fit in.

So, he did all he could to combine the two. He became “The Papercut Butcher.”

A baby cried in the alley. The sound of hungry vultures could be heard.

I was ready for the cold embrace of death. Nothing could be done for me, I was a dead man. 

Unless…I walk into my supply closet and bust out the Lemon Pledge. It’s on like Donkey Kong in this piece.

The metal chute opened from above and a stream of bananas fell forth and everybody was happy – especially Donkey Kong. 


The boy sat in the cottage, daydreaming. The witch cackled, “You’ll never get free.”

“You don’t know that!” I yelled back.

I wasn’t sure of it, but she was not about to find that out. 

Stab. Mrs. Crabtree toppled into the unkempt bushes she so proudly enjoyed. To think I had put up with her dusty ass for a year.

The solstice was coming up soon, and everyone was looking forward to how pretty this night would be. 

Max looked at the toe ring on his foot and then back at his mom.

Lemon Pledge. She has to die. But how?

“Do you want some lemonade?” Max asks his mother. 

“Which girl scout did you buy this from?” His mother asked. “I know you didn’t make this yourself.”

“The pretty one which looks like Dorothy.”

Not the ugly one who looks like Donald Trump in a bikini, if a strong gust of wind hit him, I bet his hair would take off.

Just leave, because his hair has put up with so much shit. Leave, and start a new life, on a nicer head. Maybe Beyonce’s. How nice would that be. 


Once upon a time the toothpaste exploded. And then it got in her hair.

She screeched and decided it was time for a change. 

“Cut it off.” she said. 

They raised the knife between them. They brought it down on her toe – blood began to spurt.

Her toe experienced necrosis and rotted off. 

“What the fuck?!?!” she screamed as she stared in horror.

She shielded her eyes, but it could not be unseen. It glowed and pulsed like lights at a rave show. 

Whatever it was, he couldn’t figure it out. He would need help to figure out whatever this strange glowing object was.

So he went off in search of the only person he could turn to: Gandalf the Grey. 

Gandalf was not amused by this intrusion. In his anger, he launched him out the window, saying “Fly you fool!”

The young baby cried for its mother. 

The bull rushed toward the matador.

Except he didn’t know it wasn’t a real bull. It was the minotaur of the labyrinth or something.